What has lust got to do with it?

SEX. LUST. LOVE. HOW DO THEY ALL FIT TOGETHER? 

These famous lyrics by musical group Salt and Pepa highlight a very real conundrum in our intimate relationships:

   Let's talk about sex, Baby

   Let's talk about you and me

   Let's talk about all the good things

   And all the bad things that may be

   Let's talk about sex

[Let's Talk About Sex lyrics © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc]

How do we know if sex is love and not just lust? And can lustful sex turn into real love? What do sex, lust and love have to do with relationships? 

In my women's Facebook group, After A Breakup: Going From Heartache To Happy, a member posted that after some playful flirty texting with her ex-boyfriend, he came over and they had sex. He later asked if they could continue to be intimate, which she agreed to because she really wanted to rekindle their love; she wanted him back (her words).

But does the fact that they text-flirted, got horny and had sex mean there is still a chance for monogamous relationship love between them? Or were they just horny, turned on by flirtexting? What's the difference? When does sex mean love and when does it just mean lust? And can lust be love?

And there it is...that blurred line between sex, lust and love. 


THE BLURRED LINES BETWEEN SEX, LUST AND LOVE

The line between these is so blurred, many women spend years in the back and forth of on-again, off-again relationships, endlessly hoping that great sex means there's a chance at great love. Let's be honest—with happy-ending love stories deeply entrenched in our cultural mythology, it's hard not to secretly wish and hope that the strong sensitive hero we read about in books or see on the screen will show up in real life and be our hero, just at the moment when all seems lost. 

But more often than not, we end up desperately trying to get the person we love so deeply to love us the way we love them. Many of us sacrifice everything for them, for love. Then if the relationship ends, we are devastated! We feel confused, lost, lonely, and hurt. We can't believe the person who said they loved us just walked right out of our lives like we were always disposable to them. Many start new relationships right away, leaving us wondering if they ever loved us at all.

I've been there myself a few times and heard so many stories like this in my work with clients that I sometimes wonder—Is long-term, intimate, loving monogamy possible? Or are we just fooling ourselves, brainwashed by the fairytale endings in our culture?

To beg the question, let me share another story from my group. A member posted that her relationship ended because her partner of several years wants to be polyamorous and she does not. She wants monogamy and marriage. The group jumped all over this, calling the guy an ass and guessing he just wanted "his cake and eat it too." They seemed to take his choice as a personal affront and a sign that the guy did not value her or their relationship enough. They encouraged her to let him go.

But could there be another explanation? Is sexual greed the only possible reason for these types of experiences, or might something else be going on?


LOVE IS NOT BLACK AND WHITE

Before we launch into that discussion, let's get a few terms straight:

• Monogamy—choosing to be in loving, intimate relationship exclusively with one person

• Polyamory—choosing to be in loving, intimate relationship with more than one person and all are in agreement

• Open Relationship—a committed couple who chooses to have playful sexual fun on the side with other people

• Swinger—a person who engages in group sex or the swapping of sexual partners 

What I know for certain is that Human sexuality and relationships are far from black and white. In fact, they are so gray that pretty much anything goes. People break the law to have it the way they want it, as with polygyny (a husband with multiple wives), polyandry (a wife with multiple husbands), and bigamy (having two spouses). These are all illegal in the United States but people do them anyway. And I won't even mention the rest.

In a culture where not only anything goes but where our Human struggles become popular reality TV shows, how do you sort sex from lust from love? Is it even possible? 


WHAT ARE SEX, LUST AND LOVE?

Let's be real. In this context and in the broadest sense of the word, sex is an act. It refers to sexual activity in general, and specifically including intercourse. This can be done with one or more partners, in any location and whether or not there is lust or love present. 

Lust, on the other hand, is a desire and a feeling. For purposes of this article, it means having a very strong sexual desire for someone. Lust can lead to sex and love, but not all sex and love are lust.

And then there's love, the most elusive of the three. Like lust, love is an intense feeling of deep romantic or sexual attraction or affection for someone. Love can lead to lust and sex, but not all lust and sex are love.

Confused yet? So how do you sort sex from lust from love? The sex part is easy because it is an act and not a feeling. But what about lust and love? How do you know if lust is lust, lust is love, love is lust, or love is love? Can you know? 


DO WOMEN AND MEN WANT THE SAME THINGS?

In my experience, most women are looking for love, not sex. And most men are looking for sex, not love. This is a generalization and an oversimplification to be sure, but talk to anyone over the age of 35 and see what they say. Chances are good that the women are hoping great sex means long-term love. And the men are hoping great sex means long-term great sex. 

Perhaps women use sex for love and men use love for sex. And what about lust? Maybe it just helps with the sex and love parts. If that is true, then it might explain why so many relationships ultimately fail: because in the end, women and men hope to pull different things out of the lust box—women want love; men want sex. 

That is not to say that women don't want sex or that men don't want love. But my guess is that if I took a vote, women would choose love over sex in the long run, hands down. I'm not sure I could say the same for men...But maybe.

This isn't necessarily a bad thing. Women and men are cut from different fabrics based on survival patterns that evolved from the dawning of Humankind. Today these deeply rooted primal patterns have been refined into a culturally appropriate template. I imagine we each hold strong beliefs around what sex, lust and love are, and what love, in particular, should look like.

THE NATURE OF LOVE

The problem is you can't really put a thing like love into a box and expect it to slumber quietly forever. Inevitably, it will burst open because in its purest form, love is a powerful, dynamic and free energy. Inherently, it has no bounds. Trying to make it conform to any particular shape is futile.

This may also be true for sex and lust. Perhaps the real struggle  we face is in our trying to make these dynamic energies static? Perhaps culturally we simply feel safer and more comfortable knowing these powerful energies are contained rather than wild. Wild anything in this culture tends to get a bad rap but particularly when it comes to sex, lust and love. Just look at Hollywood, for example.

WHAT ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS?

Now that we've distilled all of this down, what does it mean in terms of relationships? The bottom line is there is no bottom line. The arena of relationships is a complex, multi-layered  and dynamic beast.  There is no right, wrong, or one way to do them. 

Sex, lust, love and relationships mean different things to different people. And there are a number of things that impact how  a person treats them. Plus, since lust and love are dynamic energies, they change, making it impossible to predict the course of any relationship.

The key is to align with what feels best to you. It doesn't matter what that is; you just have to align with it. And realign with it (or not) as it changes. That's the thing about relationships—they invite us to risk, open, grow and evolve. They are our greatest opportunities to learn about ourselves. Without others to challenge us, we stagnate and have little idea of who we truly are.

So who are we, truly? I believe that at our core, we are pure, unconditional love. Being in relationships challenges us to reconnect with that core or true nature. To do that, we must be willing to give up our ego drives and desires, fears and threats, wounds and stories. We must allow our hearts to heal and open instead of fester and close. Authentic loving is not for the timid!

But it is possible. Reaching a state of unattached, unconditional or authentic loving is what many traditions call bliss or enlightenment. And it is what many of us believe we are here to do—evolve on a spiritual level. Viewing your life experiences through the lens of spiritual evolution is a game-changer. It turns pain into power. 

REACHING FOR AUTHENTIC LOVE

The place to start this journey is with awareness of your truth. As you learn to honor your inner truth, your being becomes clear and light. The more clear and light you become on the inside, the more clear and light your life becomes on the outside. Because your external life is nothing more than a reflection of your internal life.

It works the same way for your relationships. The more clear and light you are on the inside, the more clear and light your relationships become on the outside. What you don't want falls away and what you want rises to the surface, because when you view your life as a spiritual journey, obstacles become opportunities.

There is no point to sacrificing what you want—your truth—out of fear, especially when it comes to love. All that does is muddy up the energy, leaving you with a cloudy, confusing mess to sort out. Don't be fooled; there is no scarcity of love in this Universe! Love has been, is, and always will be waiting for you. All you have to do is open to receive it.