Stop putting limitations on your life

There is this sneaky game we play with the Universe called manifesting. And believe it or not, like it or not, you are a powerful manifestor! Everything you believe, think, say and do is manifesting something in your life. Are you paying attention to what you are creating?

If your life is filled with things you don't like or don't want, it's time to pay attention. Because that means you are inadvertently creating things that work against you rather than for you. You will know this is true for you if it feels like no matter what you do, you just can't get a break. Things just don't seem to go your way.

It's an easy trap to fall into because we don't do it consciously. So it feels like it just happens. But this is untrue. We know from science that what we think becomes our reality. And we can change reality by changing our thoughts.

When we change our thoughts, we change our focus. When we change our focus, we change what we feed with our energy. When we change what we feed with our energy, we change what we create. Sound simple?

It really is simple...but it's not so easy to do because so much of our lives are run on "auto pilot." We have billions of thoughts stashed in our sub- and un- conscious minds that drive our thoughts, words and actions without us ever knowing it. All we see are their consequences. And not all of them are pleasant.

COST VS. INVESTMENT

Here is a simple example of imposing limitation in your life. It's something I hear often: "How much does it cost?" "I can't afford that." "I don't have the money." "I'm broke." etc.

First of all, there is a big difference between a cost and an investment. Calling something a cost when there is a huge return for you personally is wrong. I do not see an investment in something that serves you in amazing ways as a cost and neither should you; it is a gain! An investment in your wholeness, happiness and fulfillment, in something that serves your life in  powerful and positive ways is always a gain.

THE INFINITE ABUNDANCE OF THE UNIVERSE

Second, it is limiting. As soon as you say things like It costs too much or I can't afford that or I don't have the money, you set limits to your level of abundance. You are acting as though there is a limit when there is not. This Universe is infinitely abundant. There is no scarcity here and no one is excluded from the abundance available. But you must stop putting limitations on your connection to it; and that starts at the level of your thoughts and words. Otherwise, all you will continue to see reflected back to you in reality is the lack and scarcity held in your thoughts, words and actions.

BUILDING PROSPERITY

Third, this is not to say you should be careless or thoughtless with your resources. No, quite the opposite. Of course it is important to hold high awareness around how you use the resources you have. But it serves best to put as much focus on building your resources as you do on not being careless with the ones you have. To build your prosperity, you must open to receive more than you can imagine and from sources you can't imagine. Otherwise, the picture will never change. Opening to the infinite possibilities of the Universe is what creates true resourcefulness.

MONEY AS ENERGY

Fourth, what is really happening when you invest in yourself? Money is nothing more than energy. And beyond that, it is a symbol of love. When clients sign up for my After A Breakup BOOTCAMP, for instance, they exchange their money for my guidance to help them reclaim their happiness and wholeness. They show themselves love by investing money in themselves, and I show them love with my guidance. So money becomes an exchange of love energy for their empowerment. 

ASK AND THE UNIVERSE ANSWERS

Fifth, this exchange of love energy is very important and here is why. It gives the Universe a clear message of what you want. When you exchange money (love energy) for something that serves your highest good, you tell the Universe, Yes! This is what I want! There is no guessing, no hesitation, no confusion; you've put your focus on it and your energy into it so the Universe goes, Ah, that is what she wants! And then it conspires with you to make it happen to your empowerment. But if you go into a dance of I can't afford that, it's too much, I don't have it, I can't... the Universe goes, Hmmm, does she really want it? Maybe not. And nothing aligns to help you get it.

SYNERGY OF A GROUP

Sixth, the energy that flows between two or more people working toward a goal is powerful! It's the old spiritual teaching, when two or more are gathered in my name. There is a synergistic flow that happens, like an upward spiraling of the energy that amplifies and elevates the experience for everyone. And having a mentor or guide on your side helps you reach your goal more easily and successfully. In the case of my BOOTCAMP, for example, I become your personal trainer to inspire you when you feel frustrated, encourage you when you want to give up, guide you when you don't know how, steady you when you wobble, and get you back on track should you stumble.

So all this is to say again, pay attention to what you are creating in your life. Stop imposing limiting beliefs! And get help if you feel unable to create what you want. Because it is there for you; you just have to learn how to access and connect with it.

What has lust got to do with it?

SEX. LUST. LOVE. HOW DO THEY ALL FIT TOGETHER? 

These famous lyrics by musical group Salt and Pepa highlight a very real conundrum in our intimate relationships:

   Let's talk about sex, Baby

   Let's talk about you and me

   Let's talk about all the good things

   And all the bad things that may be

   Let's talk about sex

[Let's Talk About Sex lyrics © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc]

How do we know if sex is love and not just lust? And can lustful sex turn into real love? What do sex, lust and love have to do with relationships? 

In my women's Facebook group, After A Breakup: Going From Heartache To Happy, a member posted that after some playful flirty texting with her ex-boyfriend, he came over and they had sex. He later asked if they could continue to be intimate, which she agreed to because she really wanted to rekindle their love; she wanted him back (her words).

But does the fact that they text-flirted, got horny and had sex mean there is still a chance for monogamous relationship love between them? Or were they just horny, turned on by flirtexting? What's the difference? When does sex mean love and when does it just mean lust? And can lust be love?

And there it is...that blurred line between sex, lust and love. 


THE BLURRED LINES BETWEEN SEX, LUST AND LOVE

The line between these is so blurred, many women spend years in the back and forth of on-again, off-again relationships, endlessly hoping that great sex means there's a chance at great love. Let's be honest—with happy-ending love stories deeply entrenched in our cultural mythology, it's hard not to secretly wish and hope that the strong sensitive hero we read about in books or see on the screen will show up in real life and be our hero, just at the moment when all seems lost. 

But more often than not, we end up desperately trying to get the person we love so deeply to love us the way we love them. Many of us sacrifice everything for them, for love. Then if the relationship ends, we are devastated! We feel confused, lost, lonely, and hurt. We can't believe the person who said they loved us just walked right out of our lives like we were always disposable to them. Many start new relationships right away, leaving us wondering if they ever loved us at all.

I've been there myself a few times and heard so many stories like this in my work with clients that I sometimes wonder—Is long-term, intimate, loving monogamy possible? Or are we just fooling ourselves, brainwashed by the fairytale endings in our culture?

To beg the question, let me share another story from my group. A member posted that her relationship ended because her partner of several years wants to be polyamorous and she does not. She wants monogamy and marriage. The group jumped all over this, calling the guy an ass and guessing he just wanted "his cake and eat it too." They seemed to take his choice as a personal affront and a sign that the guy did not value her or their relationship enough. They encouraged her to let him go.

But could there be another explanation? Is sexual greed the only possible reason for these types of experiences, or might something else be going on?


LOVE IS NOT BLACK AND WHITE

Before we launch into that discussion, let's get a few terms straight:

• Monogamy—choosing to be in loving, intimate relationship exclusively with one person

• Polyamory—choosing to be in loving, intimate relationship with more than one person and all are in agreement

• Open Relationship—a committed couple who chooses to have playful sexual fun on the side with other people

• Swinger—a person who engages in group sex or the swapping of sexual partners 

What I know for certain is that Human sexuality and relationships are far from black and white. In fact, they are so gray that pretty much anything goes. People break the law to have it the way they want it, as with polygyny (a husband with multiple wives), polyandry (a wife with multiple husbands), and bigamy (having two spouses). These are all illegal in the United States but people do them anyway. And I won't even mention the rest.

In a culture where not only anything goes but where our Human struggles become popular reality TV shows, how do you sort sex from lust from love? Is it even possible? 


WHAT ARE SEX, LUST AND LOVE?

Let's be real. In this context and in the broadest sense of the word, sex is an act. It refers to sexual activity in general, and specifically including intercourse. This can be done with one or more partners, in any location and whether or not there is lust or love present. 

Lust, on the other hand, is a desire and a feeling. For purposes of this article, it means having a very strong sexual desire for someone. Lust can lead to sex and love, but not all sex and love are lust.

And then there's love, the most elusive of the three. Like lust, love is an intense feeling of deep romantic or sexual attraction or affection for someone. Love can lead to lust and sex, but not all lust and sex are love.

Confused yet? So how do you sort sex from lust from love? The sex part is easy because it is an act and not a feeling. But what about lust and love? How do you know if lust is lust, lust is love, love is lust, or love is love? Can you know? 


DO WOMEN AND MEN WANT THE SAME THINGS?

In my experience, most women are looking for love, not sex. And most men are looking for sex, not love. This is a generalization and an oversimplification to be sure, but talk to anyone over the age of 35 and see what they say. Chances are good that the women are hoping great sex means long-term love. And the men are hoping great sex means long-term great sex. 

Perhaps women use sex for love and men use love for sex. And what about lust? Maybe it just helps with the sex and love parts. If that is true, then it might explain why so many relationships ultimately fail: because in the end, women and men hope to pull different things out of the lust box—women want love; men want sex. 

That is not to say that women don't want sex or that men don't want love. But my guess is that if I took a vote, women would choose love over sex in the long run, hands down. I'm not sure I could say the same for men...But maybe.

This isn't necessarily a bad thing. Women and men are cut from different fabrics based on survival patterns that evolved from the dawning of Humankind. Today these deeply rooted primal patterns have been refined into a culturally appropriate template. I imagine we each hold strong beliefs around what sex, lust and love are, and what love, in particular, should look like.

THE NATURE OF LOVE

The problem is you can't really put a thing like love into a box and expect it to slumber quietly forever. Inevitably, it will burst open because in its purest form, love is a powerful, dynamic and free energy. Inherently, it has no bounds. Trying to make it conform to any particular shape is futile.

This may also be true for sex and lust. Perhaps the real struggle  we face is in our trying to make these dynamic energies static? Perhaps culturally we simply feel safer and more comfortable knowing these powerful energies are contained rather than wild. Wild anything in this culture tends to get a bad rap but particularly when it comes to sex, lust and love. Just look at Hollywood, for example.

WHAT ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS?

Now that we've distilled all of this down, what does it mean in terms of relationships? The bottom line is there is no bottom line. The arena of relationships is a complex, multi-layered  and dynamic beast.  There is no right, wrong, or one way to do them. 

Sex, lust, love and relationships mean different things to different people. And there are a number of things that impact how  a person treats them. Plus, since lust and love are dynamic energies, they change, making it impossible to predict the course of any relationship.

The key is to align with what feels best to you. It doesn't matter what that is; you just have to align with it. And realign with it (or not) as it changes. That's the thing about relationships—they invite us to risk, open, grow and evolve. They are our greatest opportunities to learn about ourselves. Without others to challenge us, we stagnate and have little idea of who we truly are.

So who are we, truly? I believe that at our core, we are pure, unconditional love. Being in relationships challenges us to reconnect with that core or true nature. To do that, we must be willing to give up our ego drives and desires, fears and threats, wounds and stories. We must allow our hearts to heal and open instead of fester and close. Authentic loving is not for the timid!

But it is possible. Reaching a state of unattached, unconditional or authentic loving is what many traditions call bliss or enlightenment. And it is what many of us believe we are here to do—evolve on a spiritual level. Viewing your life experiences through the lens of spiritual evolution is a game-changer. It turns pain into power. 

REACHING FOR AUTHENTIC LOVE

The place to start this journey is with awareness of your truth. As you learn to honor your inner truth, your being becomes clear and light. The more clear and light you become on the inside, the more clear and light your life becomes on the outside. Because your external life is nothing more than a reflection of your internal life.

It works the same way for your relationships. The more clear and light you are on the inside, the more clear and light your relationships become on the outside. What you don't want falls away and what you want rises to the surface, because when you view your life as a spiritual journey, obstacles become opportunities.

There is no point to sacrificing what you want—your truth—out of fear, especially when it comes to love. All that does is muddy up the energy, leaving you with a cloudy, confusing mess to sort out. Don't be fooled; there is no scarcity of love in this Universe! Love has been, is, and always will be waiting for you. All you have to do is open to receive it. 

Love Your Self Enough To Walk Away

If you have never had someone you love turn on you, consider yourself lucky. And quite rare. Unfortunately, the people we trust to love us the most are often the ones who hurt us the most. That is because we have the most to lose in relation to them.

When we love someone and they love us too, we want to believe we are safe with them because we all need a safe haven to rest into. Life can be tough and dangerous. If we can't trust the people we love and who love us, who can we trust?

LEARNING ABOUT LOVE

Our families give us our first experiences of loving. By virtue of being family, we love them and they love us. We can trust them; or we'd like to think so, anyway. We're blood. They would never turn their backs on us...right? We want to believe they will stand behind us no matter what, and especially through the challenges of our lives.

But family dynamics are a powerful thing. Over the course of a lifetime, we form unconscious roles and patterns with them that are deeply entrenched in our relationships. And without even realizing it, we work hard to keep those roles in place so we know how and where we fit in to the picture.

In fact, we are so invested in fitting in that many will turn on each other to ensure they still do. I have witnessed family members hurting each other over things like attention, acceptance, power, love and money. I have seen them lie, steal, manipulate, stab each other in the back, gossip about each other, call each other despicable names, hit, and even sue each other. Perhaps you have experienced one or more of these in your own family.

THE WOUND OF BEING DENIED

But there is one thing a family can do that shakes us to our core, and that is to not believe us when we tell the truth. There is something deeply wounding about that - the act of being denied our truth by our own family. It is natural to feel betrayed, rejected, or dismissed any time this happens, but especially when it happens with family. We feel unseen, unheard, disrespected, and disempowered. We get defensive because our authenticity and truth - who we are - is rejected. 

Ultimately, people believe what they want to believe, and they have personal (often sub or unconscious) reasons for doing so. But when it is our own family who rejects us - our blood, our safe haven - it can seem as though we have nowhere to go and no one in the world we can trust. This can leave us with a deep emotional wound, feeling alone, hurt, uncertain, anxious, betrayed, and afraid to trust our selves and others.

WHY WE STAY

Sometimes we stay in dysfunctional or toxic relationships well past the point of them being anything close to healthy or safe for us - especially with family and if our earlier relationships with them were loving - because we cling to the hope that it will change. We see the potential of its restoration and we get hooked by that potential. We want to believe it can and will change back to being supportive, respectful, and loving. And we may spend years in suffering waiting for that change to happen.

Other times we stay because the situation feels familiar, even if the relationship is dysfunctional or toxic. We grew up with it; we have enough experience to anticipate its rhythms and know what to do. If we walk away, we have no idea what will be there for us; but if we stay, we do. And some part of us feels safer with the familiar than the unknown.

Still other times we stay because we do not believe we deserve anything more; we do not feel worthy of authentic love. Most of us do not even know what authentic love is. Our culture is riddled with examples of inauthentic love and toxic relating. In my women's facebook group, After A Breakup: Finding Peace and Power, I hear story after story of women dealing with the aftermath of an abusive relationship. Many women struggle to leave it behind even when their life is in danger!

This struggle within intimate relationships points to a lack of self-worth that comes from a deep inner wound. And that wound typically starts in our family and then gets played out in future relationships. If we do not learn to accept, respect or value our selves, we do not own self-worth. And without self-worth, we do not authentically love ourselves. And if we do not authentically love ourselves, we cannot give and receive authentic love with anyone else.

WHEN TO LEAVE

Sometimes our family's behavior becomes so toxic that we must walk away from them in order to preserve ourselves. It is never an easy decision to leave those we love, and want so badly to love us in return. We want to believe that our family would never turn their backs on us. Yet if we do not walk away from a toxic situation, we are turning our backs on ourselves. And that is never a good idea! We must love ourselves best, before we can truly experience authentic loving with anyone else.

It breaks my heart, how those we love the most are the ones capable of hurting us the most. Unfortunately, it happens more often than any of us want to believe. And when it happens, it can be a challenge to get the clarity needed to know what to do about it...especially when it is our own family - our safe haven.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

You cannot make others believe you or even see things your way. But you can maintain your integrity despite your family's behavior. You can take the high road and disengage from their power games. And you can stand solidly in your truth, knowing it inside, no matter what anyone else says. Ultimately, your truth is between you and a Higher Power anyway. And true redemption comes from within.

As a child you have little, if any, influence over the dynamics of your family. But as an adult, you can empower your self around them. There are many ways to do so, and it is important to find one that feels best for you. This might include:

• having a difficult, straight-forward conversation with a family member; 
• calling a family meeting with everyone involved; 
• continuing to observe in silence for clarification; 
• reaching out to several family members for perspective; 
• writing letters to one or more family members;
• setting clear boundaries with one or more family members; or 
• letting one or more family members go from your life

If you do nothing to free your self from dysfunctional or toxic family relating, you walk a long and painful plank to desolation. Your body, mind and spirit suffer. You become diminished in your sense of self-worth and value. Your capacity to trust your self and others fades. And your heart closes, putting authentic love out of reach. 

There is no good reason to tolerate relationships that disregard and hurt you, especially within your own family. 

• It is not healthy. 
• It does not provide security. 
• It is not all you deserve. 
• You cannot change or fix it alone. 
• They are not the only ones who will "love" or be there for you.
• And it does not serve you to stay. 

To believe otherwise is error thinking.

If your family or someone you love has rejected your truth, if they are disrespecting and disregarding you, or otherwise hurting you, find the courage to take action on your behalf. It may resolve more easily than you imagine. Or you may find that walking away from them is necessary to preserve your self and your integrity. 

Distancing your self from your family or other hurtful people in your life does not have to mean you no longer love them; and it does not have to be forever. But if your relationship with them is unhealthy, dysfunctional, abusive or toxic, it may serve you to leave them for now. Because staying in such a relationship will only continue to diminish you. And nothing loving ever comes of that. ❤

Turn February 14th into a day of empowerment

If you read my last post, 7 Kinds of "Love" Plus 5 Ways to Love Your Single Self on Valentine's Day, you already have an idea of how I feel about February 14th. So I thought I would take it one step further.

Let me guess: without even reading this blog, you know it is about Valentine's Day because of course everyone knows that February 14th is Valentine's Day; and everyone knows if you don't bring your beloved some flowers or chocolates on that day, you're a schmuck...right? Right. 

But did you also know that on this date, Oregon became the 33rd and Arizona the 48th states of the Union? Or that the first US state bird refuge was authorized in California? Or that Venus was discovered as a morning star and an evening star? Or that James Knox Polk - our 11th President - became the first to have his photo taken? Or that the US Parcel Service as well as the League of Women Voters were formed? Or that Aretha Franklin recorded the single Respect? I bet not. And those are just a few of the many significant events on this historical date.

Tomorrow is the day - V-Day for short - for 2018...the day flower shops and chocolate makers love. It's the day we are supposed to show our beloveds just how much we love them by buying them something special. And if we don't or they don't,  people are left feeling disappointed, unloved, and lonely. It doesn't matter how much love we show or share the rest of the 364 days of the year; it's V-Day that counts the most toward our annual love score, if you keep one.

So I suggest a rewrite for this day...

If the magic of V-Day is little more than a product  of  creative marketing, why not turn it into a day that leaves us all feeling empowered and whole rather than disappointed, unloved, or lonely? 

For instance, we could all reserve our hate for this one day and share our love with each other the rest of the 364 days of the year. Or we could reserve our negative self-talk for this one day and speak sweet nothings to ourselves the rest of the year. Or my personal favorite for 2018: we could use this day to empower ourselves by practicing forgiveness via the Ho'Oponopono Method. 

If you've never heard of Ho'Oponopono, it comes to us from Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len of Hawai'i and is one part of an ancient healing practice that is used to mend conflicts between two parties. You may be familiar with it through the writings of Joe Vitale who is responsible for popularizing it on the Mainland.

At the core of Ho'Oponopono is the understanding that we are all interconnected and inseparable at the level of consciousness. So how we treat ourselves literally impacts others; and how we treat others literally impacts ourselves, beginning at the level of our thoughts. 

This metaphysical concept has floated around the spiritual arena for centuries, but it wasn't until Dr. Len proved it in a very real way that it got mainstream America's attention. How did he do it, you ask? Well, he literally healed insane patients by working on himself. Yep, that's right; a whole institution full of them, which is now closed. For the fascinating details about this, Google his name and read all about it online. Here is a good article to start with: http://healingearth.info/hooponopono/.

Mind you, this is an oversimplification of the practice, yet when done correctly, it is exceptionally powerful. For purposes of this blog, what I want you to know is that with this one simple practice, you can turn your V-Day blues into a powerful opportunity that will transform your life. The key is not only  to grasp the concepts in your mind, but to drop into their truth in your heart. 

In context with another spiritual principle - that what you focus on expands and what you resist persists - Ho'Oponopono becomes a powerful tool for transformation. All you have to know is that when you align your consciousness with the frequency of Love instead of all the other stuff, amazing miraculous things can happen. In Dr. Len's own words: 

"So sometimes it seems as if we are powerless to change things. If we are suffering from depression or some kind of terrible relationship, or we are in the midst of a crisis, all we have to remember is, we hold the power and we can help the situation by maintaining our focus and opening to the greatest power in the universe, Love."

So on V-Day, opening your consciousness and your self to Love  with a capital "L" can be a game-changer. Even your most painful relationships can shift. Especially when you feel hurt, angry, betrayed, and alone. Because it is only through love that you can truly heal. And Dr. Len's brilliant work proved this.

By this, I don't mean that you run out and spew your deepest desires on anyone! I mean that you sit alone in a private setting, tap into your deepest heart, feel the connection between your pain and everyone else's, and practice Ho'Oponopono. 

So how do you do Ho'Oponopono?

It's very simple. First, you apologize for the pain and ask for forgiveness. And then you give gratitude for the connection and the offering of and opportunity for forgiveness. And then you give Love. Simple, right? Sure! 

The key is getting yourself in the head and heart space of truly feeling the connection between your pain and everyone else's, not only knowing it in your mind but feeling the truth of it in your heart. Otherwise, this won't work. It may take some practice, and maybe even more research on what Ho'Oponopono is all about. But if you want to, you can transform your life with this technique. Hey, if a bunch of insane people can be cured, what's a little pain and heartache by comparison?

Once you "get it" and drop into that space of feeling your connection and oneness to the people you are wanting to heal around, you say these four simple phrases:

1) I'm sorry.

2) Please forgive me. 

3) Thank you.

4) I love you.

And you mean it. You won't have to mean it if you really feel it; it will just be the case that you do. And if you don't really feel it, it won't work because you will still be stuck in a separation mindset and heart space. That's the key - you must feel the very real connection between your self and all others, and recognize their pain as yours, so that as you heal your self through your consciousness, you heal them and your relationship to them. Powerful stuff, huh?

This does not mean you become besties or re-engage in an active relationship with them. And certainly not if the person you are healing around was abusive or toxic. What it does mean is that how you relate to them shifts inside of you. You stop all the resistance so you can release the pain; and you focus your consciousness on Love rather than hate so you can expand the frequency of Love in your life instead of hate. This is so important!

So why not give V-Day a powerful new meaning for yourself this year? After all, it does you no good to stew in your pain and heartache, blame and hate and hurt. All that does is keep you stuck in suffering. And since we're all connected, thanks but no thanks! Do yourself and everyone else a favor by trying Ho'Oponopono on for size this V-Day. And if you want, buy yourself a box of chocolates too. That never hurts. 

[drcecizuniga.com    After A Breakup    CZ Mentoring, LLC]

7 Kinds of "Love" Plus 5 Ways to Love Your Single Self on Valentine's Day

In North American culture, Valentine's Day carries a high price tag for people in relationships, thanks to great marketing tactics by those who benefit from the sale of such things as diamonds, gold, flowers, expensive cuisine, sexy undergarments, fancy chocolates, etc. But it also often carries a high price tag for single people - especially if they are newly single. 

Because thanks to the magic of marketing, for many singles Valentine's Day has become an enemy, generating feelings of loneliness, despair, anger, sadness, depression, or a fear of being alone forever. Singles are left believing that something must surely be wrong with them for not having a partner to share this "special day of love" with. 

But really, attention to February 14th originated as nothing more than an ancient Roman Coming of Spring festival. And the Catholic Church later turned the day into Saint Valentine's Day to honor two men executed by the Romans that day whose names were both Valentine. Not very romantic, eh?

I can understand the connection to a Coming of Spring Festival since traditionally those were associated with eating, drinking, flirtation, and lovemaking, similar to the ancient Ostara (or Ēostre) Celebrations that became modern-day Easter. But executions? Martyrs? And Saints? Oh my...

So why all the fuss? What drives so many singles to feel so unworthy on February 14th...I mean, aside from marketing? Oh right. Nothing. It's all about the marketing. 

So here's the deal: as long as you seek to find love outside of yourself instead of inside of yourself, you will suffer. Because seeking love outside of yourself leaves you dependent on the external world to have any. And - well let's be honest - there ain't much love going around these days. At least, not authentic love.

There's selfie love, and honeymoon love, and lust-filled love, and romantic love, and fix-me love, and even selfish love. But none of these last. They're not designed to. So if you mistakenly believe that any of these equals authentic love, you're already in trouble. And I suggest you keep reading.

Selfie love is an addiction today. There are entire  generations of people who think that if you post flattering photos of yourself online, it means something good about you. But it really doesn't. All it means is that you feel so empty and insecure inside that you feel the need to show the whole world how wonderful and happy you are so you feel loved. But if you were really wonderful and happy, and if you really felt loved, you wouldn't have to prove it to the whole world. Creating a virtual sense of love is not love. It's a fabricated version of what you believe love is supposed to be. And there's a big difference between the two.

So what about Honeymoon love? I think we all know what it is, but just in case...It's that take your breath away, weak in the knees, can't eat, can't sleep, you're so gorgeous I can't think straight kind of love you feel when you first meet someone wonderful. Every single thing about them excites and intrigues you. They just feel right, and all you want to do is be around them. But this is a temporary state of affairs that you mistakenly believe means something forever is happening; something that is so good, it will never ever change. Wrong. Everything changes. All the time. And so does honeymoon love.

Next we come to lust-filled love. Ah - the power of hormones and pheromones in action. No explanation needed here. This is all about sex, sex, and more sex. And did I say sex? Because this is all about sex. And the lust doesn't last. Lust is not about love. It's about sex. Enough said.

Which brings us to romantic love...the bane of Valentine's Day. Oh don't get me wrong. I'm as big a sucker as anyone for romance. In fact, Romantic Comedies are one of my favorite movie genres. But I'm a realist too. Romance is not a necessary part of love. It's something you throw in as a bonus. Like the cherry on top of a Banana Split. Or the icing on a cake. Or the diamond jewelry on anniversaries. Okay, I'll say it: or the flowers and chocolates on Valentine's Day. It doesn't make love love, but it makes it feel even more special than it already is. It makes it feel acknowledged. It's like saying, "You still do it for me." And there's nothing wrong with that. But romance is not love; it's just a bonus you can add to love if you want to. And wouldn't it be nice to do that regularly instead of just one day a year...?

Next, we have fix-me love. This is when you get together with someone in the hopes that their presence in your life will somehow fix you, or that your presence in their life will somehow fix them. Caroline Myss refers to this as being "wound mates." The first problem here is believing that you are broken and that you need the other person to fix you. The second problem is believing that the other person is broken and needs you to fix them. 

Because both of these are wrong. Going into a relationship hoping the other person can change you and make you feel better is a mistake that easily leads to disillusionment and resentment. Because they can't. And it's not their job anyway. Only you can change you, and only you are responsible for how you feel. It works the other way around too: going into a relationship hoping you can change the other person and make them feel better is a mistake. Only they can do that for themselves; it's not your job. Plus, it means you don't really like them just as they are, which means your relationship is founded on the hope that they will change in the ways you want. So you see, you just can't win with fix-me love.

Last but not least, we have selfish love. You may be wondering just what selfish love is. Selfish love is when you take love and twist it up into a tangle of who knows what and cough it out like a hairball. And then you expect your partner to pick it up. What? I'm not touching that. I've got my own hairball, thank you very much. Then your feelings get hurt when they walk away. And you're left wondering what happened. 

If selfish love could talk, it would say, "Gimme, gimme, gimme." That is not love. It's your wounds talking - all those places deep inside where you've been hurt. And those wounds have led you to believe that love comes from outside of you rather than inside of you. As long as you believe this, you will suffer because it's a lie. External sources of love always change. Everything does. It's the nature of the Universe. They may change tomorrow or in 40 years (if you have a very tolerant partner); but they will change. And then you're screwed if you mistook those people for your source of love. You're left feeling betrayed, abandoned, hurt, discarded, unloved, worthless, depressed and devastated. Sound familiar?

So then, what is love? This is the Golden Question of all questions, isn't it? And I'm not sure it has an answer, but I'll give it a shot. 

Love is not a thing you get; it's a state of being you hold. When you love - and I'm talking real, authentic love - you naturally feel joyful, compassionate, and equal in value to everything else. When you open to authentic love, you feel so whole and full on the inside that you want to share that love on the outside. You overflow with it, making it easy to share with others. 

Authentic love is not about getting anything from anyone. It's about sharing the love inside of you with those outside of you. And when you do that with others who are also authentically loving, your love is naturally met with their love. And it becomes a beautiful uplifting, inspiring, growth-filled exchange of love energy.

Authentic love is sustainable because it's your natural state of being (before you took on so many wounds). But it's getting there that is the tricky part. Chances are, you were not taught how to love authentically, so here's a quick lesson. It starts within yourself. You must first learn (or re-learn, really) to love yourself authentically in order to be able  to love others authentically. 

But just what does it mean to love yourself authentically? For starters, it means you inspire yourself rather than belittle yourself. And you have compassion for yourself rather than discard yourself. And you honor yourself rather than judge yourself. And you forgive yourself rather than punish yourself. And you hold yourself rather than abandon yourself.  

Feeling better already, eh? Because loving yourself authentically feels good! Here are 5 ways to love yourself authentically this Valentine's Day:

1) Write an inspiring love poem or love letter to yourself.

2) Relax with a luxurious bubble bath (I like mine with wine, candles, and a great book).

3) List things you are not proud of doing and forgive yourself.

4) List and celebrate your accomplishments, great and small.

5) Accept and allow your feelings without defining your self or your life by them.

Try that on for size this Valentine's Day and see how it goes. Chances are by the end of the night, you'll plop into bed with a smile on your face, wondering what all the fuss was about... 

[If you are single, check out my closed Facebook Group for women, After a Breakup: Going from heartache to happy. Find it here: http://bit.ly/AABGroup]

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