Love Your Self Enough To Walk Away

If you have never had someone you love turn on you, consider yourself lucky. And quite rare. Unfortunately, the people we trust to love us the most are often the ones who hurt us the most. That is because we have the most to lose in relation to them.

When we love someone and they love us too, we want to believe we are safe with them because we all need a safe haven to rest into. Life can be tough and dangerous. If we can't trust the people we love and who love us, who can we trust?

LEARNING ABOUT LOVE

Our families give us our first experiences of loving. By virtue of being family, we love them and they love us. We can trust them; or we'd like to think so, anyway. We're blood. They would never turn their backs on us...right? We want to believe they will stand behind us no matter what, and especially through the challenges of our lives.

But family dynamics are a powerful thing. Over the course of a lifetime, we form unconscious roles and patterns with them that are deeply entrenched in our relationships. And without even realizing it, we work hard to keep those roles in place so we know how and where we fit in to the picture.

In fact, we are so invested in fitting in that many will turn on each other to ensure they still do. I have witnessed family members hurting each other over things like attention, acceptance, power, love and money. I have seen them lie, steal, manipulate, stab each other in the back, gossip about each other, call each other despicable names, hit, and even sue each other. Perhaps you have experienced one or more of these in your own family.

THE WOUND OF BEING DENIED

But there is one thing a family can do that shakes us to our core, and that is to not believe us when we tell the truth. There is something deeply wounding about that - the act of being denied our truth by our own family. It is natural to feel betrayed, rejected, or dismissed any time this happens, but especially when it happens with family. We feel unseen, unheard, disrespected, and disempowered. We get defensive because our authenticity and truth - who we are - is rejected. 

Ultimately, people believe what they want to believe, and they have personal (often sub or unconscious) reasons for doing so. But when it is our own family who rejects us - our blood, our safe haven - it can seem as though we have nowhere to go and no one in the world we can trust. This can leave us with a deep emotional wound, feeling alone, hurt, uncertain, anxious, betrayed, and afraid to trust our selves and others.

WHY WE STAY

Sometimes we stay in dysfunctional or toxic relationships well past the point of them being anything close to healthy or safe for us - especially with family and if our earlier relationships with them were loving - because we cling to the hope that it will change. We see the potential of its restoration and we get hooked by that potential. We want to believe it can and will change back to being supportive, respectful, and loving. And we may spend years in suffering waiting for that change to happen.

Other times we stay because the situation feels familiar, even if the relationship is dysfunctional or toxic. We grew up with it; we have enough experience to anticipate its rhythms and know what to do. If we walk away, we have no idea what will be there for us; but if we stay, we do. And some part of us feels safer with the familiar than the unknown.

Still other times we stay because we do not believe we deserve anything more; we do not feel worthy of authentic love. Most of us do not even know what authentic love is. Our culture is riddled with examples of inauthentic love and toxic relating. In my women's facebook group, After A Breakup: Finding Peace and Power, I hear story after story of women dealing with the aftermath of an abusive relationship. Many women struggle to leave it behind even when their life is in danger!

This struggle within intimate relationships points to a lack of self-worth that comes from a deep inner wound. And that wound typically starts in our family and then gets played out in future relationships. If we do not learn to accept, respect or value our selves, we do not own self-worth. And without self-worth, we do not authentically love ourselves. And if we do not authentically love ourselves, we cannot give and receive authentic love with anyone else.

WHEN TO LEAVE

Sometimes our family's behavior becomes so toxic that we must walk away from them in order to preserve ourselves. It is never an easy decision to leave those we love, and want so badly to love us in return. We want to believe that our family would never turn their backs on us. Yet if we do not walk away from a toxic situation, we are turning our backs on ourselves. And that is never a good idea! We must love ourselves best, before we can truly experience authentic loving with anyone else.

It breaks my heart, how those we love the most are the ones capable of hurting us the most. Unfortunately, it happens more often than any of us want to believe. And when it happens, it can be a challenge to get the clarity needed to know what to do about it...especially when it is our own family - our safe haven.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

You cannot make others believe you or even see things your way. But you can maintain your integrity despite your family's behavior. You can take the high road and disengage from their power games. And you can stand solidly in your truth, knowing it inside, no matter what anyone else says. Ultimately, your truth is between you and a Higher Power anyway. And true redemption comes from within.

As a child you have little, if any, influence over the dynamics of your family. But as an adult, you can empower your self around them. There are many ways to do so, and it is important to find one that feels best for you. This might include:

• having a difficult, straight-forward conversation with a family member; 
• calling a family meeting with everyone involved; 
• continuing to observe in silence for clarification; 
• reaching out to several family members for perspective; 
• writing letters to one or more family members;
• setting clear boundaries with one or more family members; or 
• letting one or more family members go from your life

If you do nothing to free your self from dysfunctional or toxic family relating, you walk a long and painful plank to desolation. Your body, mind and spirit suffer. You become diminished in your sense of self-worth and value. Your capacity to trust your self and others fades. And your heart closes, putting authentic love out of reach. 

There is no good reason to tolerate relationships that disregard and hurt you, especially within your own family. 

• It is not healthy. 
• It does not provide security. 
• It is not all you deserve. 
• You cannot change or fix it alone. 
• They are not the only ones who will "love" or be there for you.
• And it does not serve you to stay. 

To believe otherwise is error thinking.

If your family or someone you love has rejected your truth, if they are disrespecting and disregarding you, or otherwise hurting you, find the courage to take action on your behalf. It may resolve more easily than you imagine. Or you may find that walking away from them is necessary to preserve your self and your integrity. 

Distancing your self from your family or other hurtful people in your life does not have to mean you no longer love them; and it does not have to be forever. But if your relationship with them is unhealthy, dysfunctional, abusive or toxic, it may serve you to leave them for now. Because staying in such a relationship will only continue to diminish you. And nothing loving ever comes of that. ❤

Turn February 14th into a day of empowerment

If you read my last post, 7 Kinds of "Love" Plus 5 Ways to Love Your Single Self on Valentine's Day, you already have an idea of how I feel about February 14th. So I thought I would take it one step further.

Let me guess: without even reading this blog, you know it is about Valentine's Day because of course everyone knows that February 14th is Valentine's Day; and everyone knows if you don't bring your beloved some flowers or chocolates on that day, you're a schmuck...right? Right. 

But did you also know that on this date, Oregon became the 33rd and Arizona the 48th states of the Union? Or that the first US state bird refuge was authorized in California? Or that Venus was discovered as a morning star and an evening star? Or that James Knox Polk - our 11th President - became the first to have his photo taken? Or that the US Parcel Service as well as the League of Women Voters were formed? Or that Aretha Franklin recorded the single Respect? I bet not. And those are just a few of the many significant events on this historical date.

Tomorrow is the day - V-Day for short - for 2018...the day flower shops and chocolate makers love. It's the day we are supposed to show our beloveds just how much we love them by buying them something special. And if we don't or they don't,  people are left feeling disappointed, unloved, and lonely. It doesn't matter how much love we show or share the rest of the 364 days of the year; it's V-Day that counts the most toward our annual love score, if you keep one.

So I suggest a rewrite for this day...

If the magic of V-Day is little more than a product  of  creative marketing, why not turn it into a day that leaves us all feeling empowered and whole rather than disappointed, unloved, or lonely? 

For instance, we could all reserve our hate for this one day and share our love with each other the rest of the 364 days of the year. Or we could reserve our negative self-talk for this one day and speak sweet nothings to ourselves the rest of the year. Or my personal favorite for 2018: we could use this day to empower ourselves by practicing forgiveness via the Ho'Oponopono Method. 

If you've never heard of Ho'Oponopono, it comes to us from Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len of Hawai'i and is one part of an ancient healing practice that is used to mend conflicts between two parties. You may be familiar with it through the writings of Joe Vitale who is responsible for popularizing it on the Mainland.

At the core of Ho'Oponopono is the understanding that we are all interconnected and inseparable at the level of consciousness. So how we treat ourselves literally impacts others; and how we treat others literally impacts ourselves, beginning at the level of our thoughts. 

This metaphysical concept has floated around the spiritual arena for centuries, but it wasn't until Dr. Len proved it in a very real way that it got mainstream America's attention. How did he do it, you ask? Well, he literally healed insane patients by working on himself. Yep, that's right; a whole institution full of them, which is now closed. For the fascinating details about this, Google his name and read all about it online. Here is a good article to start with: http://healingearth.info/hooponopono/.

Mind you, this is an oversimplification of the practice, yet when done correctly, it is exceptionally powerful. For purposes of this blog, what I want you to know is that with this one simple practice, you can turn your V-Day blues into a powerful opportunity that will transform your life. The key is not only  to grasp the concepts in your mind, but to drop into their truth in your heart. 

In context with another spiritual principle - that what you focus on expands and what you resist persists - Ho'Oponopono becomes a powerful tool for transformation. All you have to know is that when you align your consciousness with the frequency of Love instead of all the other stuff, amazing miraculous things can happen. In Dr. Len's own words: 

"So sometimes it seems as if we are powerless to change things. If we are suffering from depression or some kind of terrible relationship, or we are in the midst of a crisis, all we have to remember is, we hold the power and we can help the situation by maintaining our focus and opening to the greatest power in the universe, Love."

So on V-Day, opening your consciousness and your self to Love  with a capital "L" can be a game-changer. Even your most painful relationships can shift. Especially when you feel hurt, angry, betrayed, and alone. Because it is only through love that you can truly heal. And Dr. Len's brilliant work proved this.

By this, I don't mean that you run out and spew your deepest desires on anyone! I mean that you sit alone in a private setting, tap into your deepest heart, feel the connection between your pain and everyone else's, and practice Ho'Oponopono. 

So how do you do Ho'Oponopono?

It's very simple. First, you apologize for the pain and ask for forgiveness. And then you give gratitude for the connection and the offering of and opportunity for forgiveness. And then you give Love. Simple, right? Sure! 

The key is getting yourself in the head and heart space of truly feeling the connection between your pain and everyone else's, not only knowing it in your mind but feeling the truth of it in your heart. Otherwise, this won't work. It may take some practice, and maybe even more research on what Ho'Oponopono is all about. But if you want to, you can transform your life with this technique. Hey, if a bunch of insane people can be cured, what's a little pain and heartache by comparison?

Once you "get it" and drop into that space of feeling your connection and oneness to the people you are wanting to heal around, you say these four simple phrases:

1) I'm sorry.

2) Please forgive me. 

3) Thank you.

4) I love you.

And you mean it. You won't have to mean it if you really feel it; it will just be the case that you do. And if you don't really feel it, it won't work because you will still be stuck in a separation mindset and heart space. That's the key - you must feel the very real connection between your self and all others, and recognize their pain as yours, so that as you heal your self through your consciousness, you heal them and your relationship to them. Powerful stuff, huh?

This does not mean you become besties or re-engage in an active relationship with them. And certainly not if the person you are healing around was abusive or toxic. What it does mean is that how you relate to them shifts inside of you. You stop all the resistance so you can release the pain; and you focus your consciousness on Love rather than hate so you can expand the frequency of Love in your life instead of hate. This is so important!

So why not give V-Day a powerful new meaning for yourself this year? After all, it does you no good to stew in your pain and heartache, blame and hate and hurt. All that does is keep you stuck in suffering. And since we're all connected, thanks but no thanks! Do yourself and everyone else a favor by trying Ho'Oponopono on for size this V-Day. And if you want, buy yourself a box of chocolates too. That never hurts. 

[drcecizuniga.com    After A Breakup    CZ Mentoring, LLC]