Turn February 14th into a day of empowerment

If you read my last post, 7 Kinds of "Love" Plus 5 Ways to Love Your Single Self on Valentine's Day, you already have an idea of how I feel about February 14th. So I thought I would take it one step further.

Let me guess: without even reading this blog, you know it is about Valentine's Day because of course everyone knows that February 14th is Valentine's Day; and everyone knows if you don't bring your beloved some flowers or chocolates on that day, you're a schmuck...right? Right. 

But did you also know that on this date, Oregon became the 33rd and Arizona the 48th states of the Union? Or that the first US state bird refuge was authorized in California? Or that Venus was discovered as a morning star and an evening star? Or that James Knox Polk - our 11th President - became the first to have his photo taken? Or that the US Parcel Service as well as the League of Women Voters were formed? Or that Aretha Franklin recorded the single Respect? I bet not. And those are just a few of the many significant events on this historical date.

Tomorrow is the day - V-Day for short - for 2018...the day flower shops and chocolate makers love. It's the day we are supposed to show our beloveds just how much we love them by buying them something special. And if we don't or they don't,  people are left feeling disappointed, unloved, and lonely. It doesn't matter how much love we show or share the rest of the 364 days of the year; it's V-Day that counts the most toward our annual love score, if you keep one.

So I suggest a rewrite for this day...

If the magic of V-Day is little more than a product  of  creative marketing, why not turn it into a day that leaves us all feeling empowered and whole rather than disappointed, unloved, or lonely? 

For instance, we could all reserve our hate for this one day and share our love with each other the rest of the 364 days of the year. Or we could reserve our negative self-talk for this one day and speak sweet nothings to ourselves the rest of the year. Or my personal favorite for 2018: we could use this day to empower ourselves by practicing forgiveness via the Ho'Oponopono Method. 

If you've never heard of Ho'Oponopono, it comes to us from Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len of Hawai'i and is one part of an ancient healing practice that is used to mend conflicts between two parties. You may be familiar with it through the writings of Joe Vitale who is responsible for popularizing it on the Mainland.

At the core of Ho'Oponopono is the understanding that we are all interconnected and inseparable at the level of consciousness. So how we treat ourselves literally impacts others; and how we treat others literally impacts ourselves, beginning at the level of our thoughts. 

This metaphysical concept has floated around the spiritual arena for centuries, but it wasn't until Dr. Len proved it in a very real way that it got mainstream America's attention. How did he do it, you ask? Well, he literally healed insane patients by working on himself. Yep, that's right; a whole institution full of them, which is now closed. For the fascinating details about this, Google his name and read all about it online. Here is a good article to start with: http://healingearth.info/hooponopono/.

Mind you, this is an oversimplification of the practice, yet when done correctly, it is exceptionally powerful. For purposes of this blog, what I want you to know is that with this one simple practice, you can turn your V-Day blues into a powerful opportunity that will transform your life. The key is not only  to grasp the concepts in your mind, but to drop into their truth in your heart. 

In context with another spiritual principle - that what you focus on expands and what you resist persists - Ho'Oponopono becomes a powerful tool for transformation. All you have to know is that when you align your consciousness with the frequency of Love instead of all the other stuff, amazing miraculous things can happen. In Dr. Len's own words: 

"So sometimes it seems as if we are powerless to change things. If we are suffering from depression or some kind of terrible relationship, or we are in the midst of a crisis, all we have to remember is, we hold the power and we can help the situation by maintaining our focus and opening to the greatest power in the universe, Love."

So on V-Day, opening your consciousness and your self to Love  with a capital "L" can be a game-changer. Even your most painful relationships can shift. Especially when you feel hurt, angry, betrayed, and alone. Because it is only through love that you can truly heal. And Dr. Len's brilliant work proved this.

By this, I don't mean that you run out and spew your deepest desires on anyone! I mean that you sit alone in a private setting, tap into your deepest heart, feel the connection between your pain and everyone else's, and practice Ho'Oponopono. 

So how do you do Ho'Oponopono?

It's very simple. First, you apologize for the pain and ask for forgiveness. And then you give gratitude for the connection and the offering of and opportunity for forgiveness. And then you give Love. Simple, right? Sure! 

The key is getting yourself in the head and heart space of truly feeling the connection between your pain and everyone else's, not only knowing it in your mind but feeling the truth of it in your heart. Otherwise, this won't work. It may take some practice, and maybe even more research on what Ho'Oponopono is all about. But if you want to, you can transform your life with this technique. Hey, if a bunch of insane people can be cured, what's a little pain and heartache by comparison?

Once you "get it" and drop into that space of feeling your connection and oneness to the people you are wanting to heal around, you say these four simple phrases:

1) I'm sorry.

2) Please forgive me. 

3) Thank you.

4) I love you.

And you mean it. You won't have to mean it if you really feel it; it will just be the case that you do. And if you don't really feel it, it won't work because you will still be stuck in a separation mindset and heart space. That's the key - you must feel the very real connection between your self and all others, and recognize their pain as yours, so that as you heal your self through your consciousness, you heal them and your relationship to them. Powerful stuff, huh?

This does not mean you become besties or re-engage in an active relationship with them. And certainly not if the person you are healing around was abusive or toxic. What it does mean is that how you relate to them shifts inside of you. You stop all the resistance so you can release the pain; and you focus your consciousness on Love rather than hate so you can expand the frequency of Love in your life instead of hate. This is so important!

So why not give V-Day a powerful new meaning for yourself this year? After all, it does you no good to stew in your pain and heartache, blame and hate and hurt. All that does is keep you stuck in suffering. And since we're all connected, thanks but no thanks! Do yourself and everyone else a favor by trying Ho'Oponopono on for size this V-Day. And if you want, buy yourself a box of chocolates too. That never hurts. 

[drcecizuniga.com    After A Breakup    CZ Mentoring, LLC]

7 Kinds of "Love" Plus 5 Ways to Love Your Single Self on Valentine's Day

In North American culture, Valentine's Day carries a high price tag for people in relationships, thanks to great marketing tactics by those who benefit from the sale of such things as diamonds, gold, flowers, expensive cuisine, sexy undergarments, fancy chocolates, etc. But it also often carries a high price tag for single people - especially if they are newly single. 

Because thanks to the magic of marketing, for many singles Valentine's Day has become an enemy, generating feelings of loneliness, despair, anger, sadness, depression, or a fear of being alone forever. Singles are left believing that something must surely be wrong with them for not having a partner to share this "special day of love" with. 

But really, attention to February 14th originated as nothing more than an ancient Roman Coming of Spring festival. And the Catholic Church later turned the day into Saint Valentine's Day to honor two men executed by the Romans that day whose names were both Valentine. Not very romantic, eh?

I can understand the connection to a Coming of Spring Festival since traditionally those were associated with eating, drinking, flirtation, and lovemaking, similar to the ancient Ostara (or Ēostre) Celebrations that became modern-day Easter. But executions? Martyrs? And Saints? Oh my...

So why all the fuss? What drives so many singles to feel so unworthy on February 14th...I mean, aside from marketing? Oh right. Nothing. It's all about the marketing. 

So here's the deal: as long as you seek to find love outside of yourself instead of inside of yourself, you will suffer. Because seeking love outside of yourself leaves you dependent on the external world to have any. And - well let's be honest - there ain't much love going around these days. At least, not authentic love.

There's selfie love, and honeymoon love, and lust-filled love, and romantic love, and fix-me love, and even selfish love. But none of these last. They're not designed to. So if you mistakenly believe that any of these equals authentic love, you're already in trouble. And I suggest you keep reading.

Selfie love is an addiction today. There are entire  generations of people who think that if you post flattering photos of yourself online, it means something good about you. But it really doesn't. All it means is that you feel so empty and insecure inside that you feel the need to show the whole world how wonderful and happy you are so you feel loved. But if you were really wonderful and happy, and if you really felt loved, you wouldn't have to prove it to the whole world. Creating a virtual sense of love is not love. It's a fabricated version of what you believe love is supposed to be. And there's a big difference between the two.

So what about Honeymoon love? I think we all know what it is, but just in case...It's that take your breath away, weak in the knees, can't eat, can't sleep, you're so gorgeous I can't think straight kind of love you feel when you first meet someone wonderful. Every single thing about them excites and intrigues you. They just feel right, and all you want to do is be around them. But this is a temporary state of affairs that you mistakenly believe means something forever is happening; something that is so good, it will never ever change. Wrong. Everything changes. All the time. And so does honeymoon love.

Next we come to lust-filled love. Ah - the power of hormones and pheromones in action. No explanation needed here. This is all about sex, sex, and more sex. And did I say sex? Because this is all about sex. And the lust doesn't last. Lust is not about love. It's about sex. Enough said.

Which brings us to romantic love...the bane of Valentine's Day. Oh don't get me wrong. I'm as big a sucker as anyone for romance. In fact, Romantic Comedies are one of my favorite movie genres. But I'm a realist too. Romance is not a necessary part of love. It's something you throw in as a bonus. Like the cherry on top of a Banana Split. Or the icing on a cake. Or the diamond jewelry on anniversaries. Okay, I'll say it: or the flowers and chocolates on Valentine's Day. It doesn't make love love, but it makes it feel even more special than it already is. It makes it feel acknowledged. It's like saying, "You still do it for me." And there's nothing wrong with that. But romance is not love; it's just a bonus you can add to love if you want to. And wouldn't it be nice to do that regularly instead of just one day a year...?

Next, we have fix-me love. This is when you get together with someone in the hopes that their presence in your life will somehow fix you, or that your presence in their life will somehow fix them. Caroline Myss refers to this as being "wound mates." The first problem here is believing that you are broken and that you need the other person to fix you. The second problem is believing that the other person is broken and needs you to fix them. 

Because both of these are wrong. Going into a relationship hoping the other person can change you and make you feel better is a mistake that easily leads to disillusionment and resentment. Because they can't. And it's not their job anyway. Only you can change you, and only you are responsible for how you feel. It works the other way around too: going into a relationship hoping you can change the other person and make them feel better is a mistake. Only they can do that for themselves; it's not your job. Plus, it means you don't really like them just as they are, which means your relationship is founded on the hope that they will change in the ways you want. So you see, you just can't win with fix-me love.

Last but not least, we have selfish love. You may be wondering just what selfish love is. Selfish love is when you take love and twist it up into a tangle of who knows what and cough it out like a hairball. And then you expect your partner to pick it up. What? I'm not touching that. I've got my own hairball, thank you very much. Then your feelings get hurt when they walk away. And you're left wondering what happened. 

If selfish love could talk, it would say, "Gimme, gimme, gimme." That is not love. It's your wounds talking - all those places deep inside where you've been hurt. And those wounds have led you to believe that love comes from outside of you rather than inside of you. As long as you believe this, you will suffer because it's a lie. External sources of love always change. Everything does. It's the nature of the Universe. They may change tomorrow or in 40 years (if you have a very tolerant partner); but they will change. And then you're screwed if you mistook those people for your source of love. You're left feeling betrayed, abandoned, hurt, discarded, unloved, worthless, depressed and devastated. Sound familiar?

So then, what is love? This is the Golden Question of all questions, isn't it? And I'm not sure it has an answer, but I'll give it a shot. 

Love is not a thing you get; it's a state of being you hold. When you love - and I'm talking real, authentic love - you naturally feel joyful, compassionate, and equal in value to everything else. When you open to authentic love, you feel so whole and full on the inside that you want to share that love on the outside. You overflow with it, making it easy to share with others. 

Authentic love is not about getting anything from anyone. It's about sharing the love inside of you with those outside of you. And when you do that with others who are also authentically loving, your love is naturally met with their love. And it becomes a beautiful uplifting, inspiring, growth-filled exchange of love energy.

Authentic love is sustainable because it's your natural state of being (before you took on so many wounds). But it's getting there that is the tricky part. Chances are, you were not taught how to love authentically, so here's a quick lesson. It starts within yourself. You must first learn (or re-learn, really) to love yourself authentically in order to be able  to love others authentically. 

But just what does it mean to love yourself authentically? For starters, it means you inspire yourself rather than belittle yourself. And you have compassion for yourself rather than discard yourself. And you honor yourself rather than judge yourself. And you forgive yourself rather than punish yourself. And you hold yourself rather than abandon yourself.  

Feeling better already, eh? Because loving yourself authentically feels good! Here are 5 ways to love yourself authentically this Valentine's Day:

1) Write an inspiring love poem or love letter to yourself.

2) Relax with a luxurious bubble bath (I like mine with wine, candles, and a great book).

3) List things you are not proud of doing and forgive yourself.

4) List and celebrate your accomplishments, great and small.

5) Accept and allow your feelings without defining your self or your life by them.

Try that on for size this Valentine's Day and see how it goes. Chances are by the end of the night, you'll plop into bed with a smile on your face, wondering what all the fuss was about... 

[If you are single, check out my closed Facebook Group for women, After a Breakup: Going from heartache to happy. Find it here: http://bit.ly/AABGroup]

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