THIS BLOG HAS MOVED

Hello my friend. 

I have relocated this blog to my website, here: https://www.drcecizuniga.com/blog-whats-the-buzz.

See you there! Thanks.

Stop putting limitations on your life

There is this sneaky game we play with the Universe called manifesting. And believe it or not, like it or not, you are a powerful manifestor! Everything you believe, think, say and do is manifesting something in your life. Are you paying attention to what you are creating?

If your life is filled with things you don't like or don't want, it's time to pay attention. Because that means you are inadvertently creating things that work against you rather than for you. You will know this is true for you if it feels like no matter what you do, you just can't get a break. Things just don't seem to go your way.

It's an easy trap to fall into because we don't do it consciously. So it feels like it just happens. But this is untrue. We know from science that what we think becomes our reality. And we can change reality by changing our thoughts.

When we change our thoughts, we change our focus. When we change our focus, we change what we feed with our energy. When we change what we feed with our energy, we change what we create. Sound simple?

It really is simple...but it's not so easy to do because so much of our lives are run on "auto pilot." We have billions of thoughts stashed in our sub- and un- conscious minds that drive our thoughts, words and actions without us ever knowing it. All we see are their consequences. And not all of them are pleasant.

COST VS. INVESTMENT

Here is a simple example of imposing limitation in your life. It's something I hear often: "How much does it cost?" "I can't afford that." "I don't have the money." "I'm broke." etc.

First of all, there is a big difference between a cost and an investment. Calling something a cost when there is a huge return for you personally is wrong. I do not see an investment in something that serves you in amazing ways as a cost and neither should you; it is a gain! An investment in your wholeness, happiness and fulfillment, in something that serves your life in  powerful and positive ways is always a gain.

THE INFINITE ABUNDANCE OF THE UNIVERSE

Second, it is limiting. As soon as you say things like It costs too much or I can't afford that or I don't have the money, you set limits to your level of abundance. You are acting as though there is a limit when there is not. This Universe is infinitely abundant. There is no scarcity here and no one is excluded from the abundance available. But you must stop putting limitations on your connection to it; and that starts at the level of your thoughts and words. Otherwise, all you will continue to see reflected back to you in reality is the lack and scarcity held in your thoughts, words and actions.

BUILDING PROSPERITY

Third, this is not to say you should be careless or thoughtless with your resources. No, quite the opposite. Of course it is important to hold high awareness around how you use the resources you have. But it serves best to put as much focus on building your resources as you do on not being careless with the ones you have. To build your prosperity, you must open to receive more than you can imagine and from sources you can't imagine. Otherwise, the picture will never change. Opening to the infinite possibilities of the Universe is what creates true resourcefulness.

MONEY AS ENERGY

Fourth, what is really happening when you invest in yourself? Money is nothing more than energy. And beyond that, it is a symbol of love. When clients sign up for my After A Breakup BOOTCAMP, for instance, they exchange their money for my guidance to help them reclaim their happiness and wholeness. They show themselves love by investing money in themselves, and I show them love with my guidance. So money becomes an exchange of love energy for their empowerment. 

ASK AND THE UNIVERSE ANSWERS

Fifth, this exchange of love energy is very important and here is why. It gives the Universe a clear message of what you want. When you exchange money (love energy) for something that serves your highest good, you tell the Universe, Yes! This is what I want! There is no guessing, no hesitation, no confusion; you've put your focus on it and your energy into it so the Universe goes, Ah, that is what she wants! And then it conspires with you to make it happen to your empowerment. But if you go into a dance of I can't afford that, it's too much, I don't have it, I can't... the Universe goes, Hmmm, does she really want it? Maybe not. And nothing aligns to help you get it.

SYNERGY OF A GROUP

Sixth, the energy that flows between two or more people working toward a goal is powerful! It's the old spiritual teaching, when two or more are gathered in my name. There is a synergistic flow that happens, like an upward spiraling of the energy that amplifies and elevates the experience for everyone. And having a mentor or guide on your side helps you reach your goal more easily and successfully. In the case of my BOOTCAMP, for example, I become your personal trainer to inspire you when you feel frustrated, encourage you when you want to give up, guide you when you don't know how, steady you when you wobble, and get you back on track should you stumble.

So all this is to say again, pay attention to what you are creating in your life. Stop imposing limiting beliefs! And get help if you feel unable to create what you want. Because it is there for you; you just have to learn how to access and connect with it.

What has lust got to do with it?

SEX. LUST. LOVE. HOW DO THEY ALL FIT TOGETHER? 

These famous lyrics by musical group Salt and Pepa highlight a very real conundrum in our intimate relationships:

   Let's talk about sex, Baby

   Let's talk about you and me

   Let's talk about all the good things

   And all the bad things that may be

   Let's talk about sex

[Let's Talk About Sex lyrics © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc]

How do we know if sex is love and not just lust? And can lustful sex turn into real love? What do sex, lust and love have to do with relationships? 

In my women's Facebook group, After A Breakup: Going From Heartache To Happy, a member posted that after some playful flirty texting with her ex-boyfriend, he came over and they had sex. He later asked if they could continue to be intimate, which she agreed to because she really wanted to rekindle their love; she wanted him back (her words).

But does the fact that they text-flirted, got horny and had sex mean there is still a chance for monogamous relationship love between them? Or were they just horny, turned on by flirtexting? What's the difference? When does sex mean love and when does it just mean lust? And can lust be love?

And there it is...that blurred line between sex, lust and love. 


THE BLURRED LINES BETWEEN SEX, LUST AND LOVE

The line between these is so blurred, many women spend years in the back and forth of on-again, off-again relationships, endlessly hoping that great sex means there's a chance at great love. Let's be honest—with happy-ending love stories deeply entrenched in our cultural mythology, it's hard not to secretly wish and hope that the strong sensitive hero we read about in books or see on the screen will show up in real life and be our hero, just at the moment when all seems lost. 

But more often than not, we end up desperately trying to get the person we love so deeply to love us the way we love them. Many of us sacrifice everything for them, for love. Then if the relationship ends, we are devastated! We feel confused, lost, lonely, and hurt. We can't believe the person who said they loved us just walked right out of our lives like we were always disposable to them. Many start new relationships right away, leaving us wondering if they ever loved us at all.

I've been there myself a few times and heard so many stories like this in my work with clients that I sometimes wonder—Is long-term, intimate, loving monogamy possible? Or are we just fooling ourselves, brainwashed by the fairytale endings in our culture?

To beg the question, let me share another story from my group. A member posted that her relationship ended because her partner of several years wants to be polyamorous and she does not. She wants monogamy and marriage. The group jumped all over this, calling the guy an ass and guessing he just wanted "his cake and eat it too." They seemed to take his choice as a personal affront and a sign that the guy did not value her or their relationship enough. They encouraged her to let him go.

But could there be another explanation? Is sexual greed the only possible reason for these types of experiences, or might something else be going on?


LOVE IS NOT BLACK AND WHITE

Before we launch into that discussion, let's get a few terms straight:

• Monogamy—choosing to be in loving, intimate relationship exclusively with one person

• Polyamory—choosing to be in loving, intimate relationship with more than one person and all are in agreement

• Open Relationship—a committed couple who chooses to have playful sexual fun on the side with other people

• Swinger—a person who engages in group sex or the swapping of sexual partners 

What I know for certain is that Human sexuality and relationships are far from black and white. In fact, they are so gray that pretty much anything goes. People break the law to have it the way they want it, as with polygyny (a husband with multiple wives), polyandry (a wife with multiple husbands), and bigamy (having two spouses). These are all illegal in the United States but people do them anyway. And I won't even mention the rest.

In a culture where not only anything goes but where our Human struggles become popular reality TV shows, how do you sort sex from lust from love? Is it even possible? 


WHAT ARE SEX, LUST AND LOVE?

Let's be real. In this context and in the broadest sense of the word, sex is an act. It refers to sexual activity in general, and specifically including intercourse. This can be done with one or more partners, in any location and whether or not there is lust or love present. 

Lust, on the other hand, is a desire and a feeling. For purposes of this article, it means having a very strong sexual desire for someone. Lust can lead to sex and love, but not all sex and love are lust.

And then there's love, the most elusive of the three. Like lust, love is an intense feeling of deep romantic or sexual attraction or affection for someone. Love can lead to lust and sex, but not all lust and sex are love.

Confused yet? So how do you sort sex from lust from love? The sex part is easy because it is an act and not a feeling. But what about lust and love? How do you know if lust is lust, lust is love, love is lust, or love is love? Can you know? 


DO WOMEN AND MEN WANT THE SAME THINGS?

In my experience, most women are looking for love, not sex. And most men are looking for sex, not love. This is a generalization and an oversimplification to be sure, but talk to anyone over the age of 35 and see what they say. Chances are good that the women are hoping great sex means long-term love. And the men are hoping great sex means long-term great sex. 

Perhaps women use sex for love and men use love for sex. And what about lust? Maybe it just helps with the sex and love parts. If that is true, then it might explain why so many relationships ultimately fail: because in the end, women and men hope to pull different things out of the lust box—women want love; men want sex. 

That is not to say that women don't want sex or that men don't want love. But my guess is that if I took a vote, women would choose love over sex in the long run, hands down. I'm not sure I could say the same for men...But maybe.

This isn't necessarily a bad thing. Women and men are cut from different fabrics based on survival patterns that evolved from the dawning of Humankind. Today these deeply rooted primal patterns have been refined into a culturally appropriate template. I imagine we each hold strong beliefs around what sex, lust and love are, and what love, in particular, should look like.

THE NATURE OF LOVE

The problem is you can't really put a thing like love into a box and expect it to slumber quietly forever. Inevitably, it will burst open because in its purest form, love is a powerful, dynamic and free energy. Inherently, it has no bounds. Trying to make it conform to any particular shape is futile.

This may also be true for sex and lust. Perhaps the real struggle  we face is in our trying to make these dynamic energies static? Perhaps culturally we simply feel safer and more comfortable knowing these powerful energies are contained rather than wild. Wild anything in this culture tends to get a bad rap but particularly when it comes to sex, lust and love. Just look at Hollywood, for example.

WHAT ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS?

Now that we've distilled all of this down, what does it mean in terms of relationships? The bottom line is there is no bottom line. The arena of relationships is a complex, multi-layered  and dynamic beast.  There is no right, wrong, or one way to do them. 

Sex, lust, love and relationships mean different things to different people. And there are a number of things that impact how  a person treats them. Plus, since lust and love are dynamic energies, they change, making it impossible to predict the course of any relationship.

The key is to align with what feels best to you. It doesn't matter what that is; you just have to align with it. And realign with it (or not) as it changes. That's the thing about relationships—they invite us to risk, open, grow and evolve. They are our greatest opportunities to learn about ourselves. Without others to challenge us, we stagnate and have little idea of who we truly are.

So who are we, truly? I believe that at our core, we are pure, unconditional love. Being in relationships challenges us to reconnect with that core or true nature. To do that, we must be willing to give up our ego drives and desires, fears and threats, wounds and stories. We must allow our hearts to heal and open instead of fester and close. Authentic loving is not for the timid!

But it is possible. Reaching a state of unattached, unconditional or authentic loving is what many traditions call bliss or enlightenment. And it is what many of us believe we are here to do—evolve on a spiritual level. Viewing your life experiences through the lens of spiritual evolution is a game-changer. It turns pain into power. 

REACHING FOR AUTHENTIC LOVE

The place to start this journey is with awareness of your truth. As you learn to honor your inner truth, your being becomes clear and light. The more clear and light you become on the inside, the more clear and light your life becomes on the outside. Because your external life is nothing more than a reflection of your internal life.

It works the same way for your relationships. The more clear and light you are on the inside, the more clear and light your relationships become on the outside. What you don't want falls away and what you want rises to the surface, because when you view your life as a spiritual journey, obstacles become opportunities.

There is no point to sacrificing what you want—your truth—out of fear, especially when it comes to love. All that does is muddy up the energy, leaving you with a cloudy, confusing mess to sort out. Don't be fooled; there is no scarcity of love in this Universe! Love has been, is, and always will be waiting for you. All you have to do is open to receive it. 

Love Your Self Enough To Walk Away

If you have never had someone you love turn on you, consider yourself lucky. And quite rare. Unfortunately, the people we trust to love us the most are often the ones who hurt us the most. That is because we have the most to lose in relation to them.

When we love someone and they love us too, we want to believe we are safe with them because we all need a safe haven to rest into. Life can be tough and dangerous. If we can't trust the people we love and who love us, who can we trust?

LEARNING ABOUT LOVE

Our families give us our first experiences of loving. By virtue of being family, we love them and they love us. We can trust them; or we'd like to think so, anyway. We're blood. They would never turn their backs on us...right? We want to believe they will stand behind us no matter what, and especially through the challenges of our lives.

But family dynamics are a powerful thing. Over the course of a lifetime, we form unconscious roles and patterns with them that are deeply entrenched in our relationships. And without even realizing it, we work hard to keep those roles in place so we know how and where we fit in to the picture.

In fact, we are so invested in fitting in that many will turn on each other to ensure they still do. I have witnessed family members hurting each other over things like attention, acceptance, power, love and money. I have seen them lie, steal, manipulate, stab each other in the back, gossip about each other, call each other despicable names, hit, and even sue each other. Perhaps you have experienced one or more of these in your own family.

THE WOUND OF BEING DENIED

But there is one thing a family can do that shakes us to our core, and that is to not believe us when we tell the truth. There is something deeply wounding about that - the act of being denied our truth by our own family. It is natural to feel betrayed, rejected, or dismissed any time this happens, but especially when it happens with family. We feel unseen, unheard, disrespected, and disempowered. We get defensive because our authenticity and truth - who we are - is rejected. 

Ultimately, people believe what they want to believe, and they have personal (often sub or unconscious) reasons for doing so. But when it is our own family who rejects us - our blood, our safe haven - it can seem as though we have nowhere to go and no one in the world we can trust. This can leave us with a deep emotional wound, feeling alone, hurt, uncertain, anxious, betrayed, and afraid to trust our selves and others.

WHY WE STAY

Sometimes we stay in dysfunctional or toxic relationships well past the point of them being anything close to healthy or safe for us - especially with family and if our earlier relationships with them were loving - because we cling to the hope that it will change. We see the potential of its restoration and we get hooked by that potential. We want to believe it can and will change back to being supportive, respectful, and loving. And we may spend years in suffering waiting for that change to happen.

Other times we stay because the situation feels familiar, even if the relationship is dysfunctional or toxic. We grew up with it; we have enough experience to anticipate its rhythms and know what to do. If we walk away, we have no idea what will be there for us; but if we stay, we do. And some part of us feels safer with the familiar than the unknown.

Still other times we stay because we do not believe we deserve anything more; we do not feel worthy of authentic love. Most of us do not even know what authentic love is. Our culture is riddled with examples of inauthentic love and toxic relating. In my women's facebook group, After A Breakup: Finding Peace and Power, I hear story after story of women dealing with the aftermath of an abusive relationship. Many women struggle to leave it behind even when their life is in danger!

This struggle within intimate relationships points to a lack of self-worth that comes from a deep inner wound. And that wound typically starts in our family and then gets played out in future relationships. If we do not learn to accept, respect or value our selves, we do not own self-worth. And without self-worth, we do not authentically love ourselves. And if we do not authentically love ourselves, we cannot give and receive authentic love with anyone else.

WHEN TO LEAVE

Sometimes our family's behavior becomes so toxic that we must walk away from them in order to preserve ourselves. It is never an easy decision to leave those we love, and want so badly to love us in return. We want to believe that our family would never turn their backs on us. Yet if we do not walk away from a toxic situation, we are turning our backs on ourselves. And that is never a good idea! We must love ourselves best, before we can truly experience authentic loving with anyone else.

It breaks my heart, how those we love the most are the ones capable of hurting us the most. Unfortunately, it happens more often than any of us want to believe. And when it happens, it can be a challenge to get the clarity needed to know what to do about it...especially when it is our own family - our safe haven.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

You cannot make others believe you or even see things your way. But you can maintain your integrity despite your family's behavior. You can take the high road and disengage from their power games. And you can stand solidly in your truth, knowing it inside, no matter what anyone else says. Ultimately, your truth is between you and a Higher Power anyway. And true redemption comes from within.

As a child you have little, if any, influence over the dynamics of your family. But as an adult, you can empower your self around them. There are many ways to do so, and it is important to find one that feels best for you. This might include:

• having a difficult, straight-forward conversation with a family member; 
• calling a family meeting with everyone involved; 
• continuing to observe in silence for clarification; 
• reaching out to several family members for perspective; 
• writing letters to one or more family members;
• setting clear boundaries with one or more family members; or 
• letting one or more family members go from your life

If you do nothing to free your self from dysfunctional or toxic family relating, you walk a long and painful plank to desolation. Your body, mind and spirit suffer. You become diminished in your sense of self-worth and value. Your capacity to trust your self and others fades. And your heart closes, putting authentic love out of reach. 

There is no good reason to tolerate relationships that disregard and hurt you, especially within your own family. 

• It is not healthy. 
• It does not provide security. 
• It is not all you deserve. 
• You cannot change or fix it alone. 
• They are not the only ones who will "love" or be there for you.
• And it does not serve you to stay. 

To believe otherwise is error thinking.

If your family or someone you love has rejected your truth, if they are disrespecting and disregarding you, or otherwise hurting you, find the courage to take action on your behalf. It may resolve more easily than you imagine. Or you may find that walking away from them is necessary to preserve your self and your integrity. 

Distancing your self from your family or other hurtful people in your life does not have to mean you no longer love them; and it does not have to be forever. But if your relationship with them is unhealthy, dysfunctional, abusive or toxic, it may serve you to leave them for now. Because staying in such a relationship will only continue to diminish you. And nothing loving ever comes of that. ❤